Like most people, I have an 8-5 job. However, the night before yesterday I did not get home till 1 am and yesterday I didn’t get home till 3 am. I can not remember the last time I was able to see my roommates for more than a few seconds in passing. I am exhausted, it seems like a gift from God that my business dinner and tennis practice were both canceled for tonight, sounds like a great opportunity to relax or catch up on sleep, right? No! I just got a message from a straight girl I’m interested in friend asking me to attend some art show with her as she has some extra tickets for tonight, any “responsible adult” would turn that down to give themselves a break especially that I am showing signs of getting sick as I always do after a long period of going on none stop, yet I am very tempted to go out. It is not really about the show nor the pretty girl, I just wanna keep myself busy, do things that would “give my life meaning”, as if all meaning to my life left the day her and I stopped talking. Am I just kidding myself, trying to make my life sound fulfilled and well rounded? Because it would certainly sound like it to an outsider, why do I always reserve to such tactics? Why am I always trying to show the world how great I’m doing when the truth is, I’m really not.

I just accepted the invitation for tonight, maybe my acclaimed self destruction is not so destructing, I mean how bad can it be to be so busy taking advantage of what life has to offer?

Posted under Everyday Trouble

Earlier today I was reading entries I’ve written in my journal over the past few years. After going over my worries and troubles that I went through, I realized how stupid it is to live in the moment when the future is ahead of us. One moment can change our lives forever, so why not have more faith? In ourselves, in life. To obsess over the things that are going wrong in your life is to miss out on the best of it. Something is always ganna wrong, some things may be bigger than others but at the end when they pass and you look back days, months or even years later, you’ll find that you came out ok.

So don’t give up, don’t live stressing over this and that, take a moment to breath and think about the good things you have. Life is short, take advantage of it. Live, love & role with the punches.

Posted under From Experience

I’ve been trying not to care about her saying that “we’ve tried too many times but it is clear that this is not working”; even though since then she felt the urge to contact me once in order to “clarify” something and another time she “accidentally” included my email address in an email she sent out but the truth is, I’m too scared that I’ve lost her. I’ve been lost without her in my life. Over the past week I’ve been too depressed, I can see it in the way my body has been reacting to everyday life. I’ve been trying hard not to care, to role with punches, and other times I try to make myself believe that I’m being stupid, how can I doubt the strength of our relationship? it’s never over when it comes to us.

You would think that after all these years, love would’ve faded away, but I’m shocked at how strongly not talking to her can still affect me. After everything, I’m still deeply in love with her. She doesn’t deserve it, she is too cruel, so why am I still here? I don’t know. I wish I could forget all about her.

There is nothing that can destroy one more than the love for a woman.

Posted under Confessions

Not to imply that men wouldn’t cause as much drama as women, but that’s beyond the scope of this blog. I had been waiting for something worthy of writing to happen. Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened yet as I can describe the past ten days as full of petty games. Do you ever feel like that? Like you are stuck in a children’s game and when you try to be the adult, you are viewed as arrogant?

Since our “break”, we’ve talked and fought and walked out and talked again. Vacations were planned, plane tickets were bought and are on the verge of being canceled. So what happens now? Do we keep on like this? Do we need a truly long break or should we just call it quits? What is it that makes you stick around when your relationship seems like nothing but a headache? Is there love still? That’s what I’m trying to ask myself.

We’ve been together for so long that I wonder if love is long gone, if the need to be together is just a result of habit. I’ve been reading love poetry, listening to love songs and I can’t help but think that I am long beyond that stage where one feels that the one they love is the one thing they long for everyday, that it makes them uniquely lucky, that no one else can understand the value of what they have.

Maybe we’re just afraid to be alone so we don’t have the courage to go out and find someone that can make us feel alive again.

Posted under Confessions

“I need time to think”, she said. I should be relieved that I have time to think too, I’ve been wanting time to think but now all I can think is: “I wanna have the chance to show her how much I love her again!”

My mind has said “No, she’s night right for you”, my heart has said “Yes, I can’t live without her” and the rest of my body has been lost in between. Since we took a break, my sleep schedule has been all over the place, sleeping many more hours than usual and I have been failing to concentrate on my work and important projects, going out of my way to distract myself so I would not be alone for my sadness to sink in.

It’s one thing when she’s angry, when she screams obscenities at me, when she hangs up the phone on me, when she says that she doesn’t care because once that anger fades away, love is still there. It’s quiet another when calmly she asks for time to think as if she already knows she no longer wants me in her life, she just needs time to confirm to herself that she can handle that. It seems like the quiet before the storm that will break my heart, once again.

It’s silly how much this has affected me, I should be certain that she can’t stay away from me for too long, time has proven that time and again but I can’t help it, I’m too eager to hear her voice, to hear her say “I still wanna spend New Year’s with you in Paris” when just a while ago I had been doubting how good of an idea that would be. I was eager to buy my plane ticket today, I wanted to do it and then let her know that she didn’t have a choice in the matter, but that would be arrogant of me, wouldn’t it? I forced myself not to and felt like a child who has been told ‘No’ by her mother.

I guess everything always works out for the best, I just wish I knew how to tell my heart that.

Posted under Sleepless Nights

We’ve been “just friends” for a while now, I had been getting accustomed to the idea when she started giving me grief -obviously, but indirectly- for having a crush on someone else. This angered me as how can you justify such behavior as my “friend”. Nevertheless I pressed on, I sent her an email this weekend, I told her about how the pretty girl has been flirting back. I wanted to prove to myself her that she loves me in that possessive way that represents a relationship. She got more angry than I expected and she hasn’t spoken to me since.

Since it has been a few days, I’m now trying to figure out what the next move is. She has not deleted me from her friend list -something she is quick to do when trying to prove her point- so my best guess is she is either not yet ready to discuss the reason behind her anger or she is waiting on me to make the first move. Remembering what it is like to be the jealous one, I know it can make one feel betrayed and unloved. I know I haven’t betrayed her and I surely don’t love her any less but I’m trying to keep her emotions in mind and act accordingly.

The sad part is, the whole point behind my behavior was to get her to see the extend of her love for me, to bring us closer but instead it only prompted her to become detached and more distant. She will most likely not admit that she was unjustified in her anger and she will find something unrelated to blame me for, I then will become defensive and we’ll lose the whole point and start fighting over nothing.

This could’ve been avoided by being upfront and talking about my concerns directly you say? That may work with logical people, but when someone doesn’t want to listen, no amount of talking will change that.

Posted under Reading Between the Lines

So you’ve met this girl who is beautiful in her own way, you are immediately attracted to her and you start to seek her out; you pass by her desk at work even though you didn’t really need anything from there, you start “joking around” so you can flirt indirectly and see how she responds to that. She seems to enjoy it, she “jokes” back and it’s fun for a while till you start asking your self, what now? Does she like me in that way? You really want to believe that you’ve charmed her with your personality that maybe, just maybe, she’ll be willing to consider a lesbian relationship. You start hanging out more and more and suddenly you feel like you’ve been slapped in the face when she comes crying to you about the man who doesn’t really care for her. Being the loving person that you are, you listen and you try to be there for her. Now she can’t live without you, she enjoys the attention you give her, the gifts you get for her, the fact that you truly care. She tones up the flirting a bit to make sure you stick around, maybe she even makes out with you “just for fun” or “to see what it’s like to kiss a girl”; she gives you enough reason to delude yourself believe that it is going somewhere but at the end of the day, she doesn’t want you, she just wants what you offer her.

So next time you spot a straight girl who takes your breath away, do your self a favor and run in the other direction!

Posted under From Experience

We do everything but fuck, does that sound familiar? My problem virtue is I thrive to be chivalrous and in doing so I never take advantage of moments of vulnerability in order to get into a straight woman’s pants. There are gay women out there who congratulate themselves on the number of straight women they’ve gotten to sleep with, as if it’s a conquest; The truth is getting a straight woman to sleep with you once is really not that difficult if that’s what you’re aiming for, in most cases all it takes is the right circumstances and saying what she wants to hear. The problem comes in when you want more than that, when you want to win over her affection and prove to her that you’re many times better than any man could ever be. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I did. Several years later, we’re stuck, she knows she can’t find someone better but that does not change the fact that she is straight and not interested in a physical relationship. I, on the other hand, have invested so much into this relationship that I can not get myself to walk away, I can not get myself to start over. So we try to be friends, I meet another pretty girl who is willing to give me the time of day and instead of making any progress, hell breaks loose as we try to make each other more jealous. Eventually we give up the gf/bf de jour when we realize that they’re not good enough and we go back to square one. So what do I do? Should I stick it out till someone better comes along and rescues me? Or do I leave and make myself unreasonably and excessivly guilty for walking out on the woman I love, only to come back days or months later when I couldn’t bare it anymore? I have a feeling that I will not find out the answer to this predicament any time soon.

Posted under Sleepless Nights